By Christopher Wells
Lucky S.O.B., right? We’ll yes, it can be very lucky to land yourself in the Sex Zone (AKA Friends with benefits…or whatever you wish to call it) anything instead of the dreaded Friend Zone, right? But aren’t they both equally as damaging to your self esteem if one party still longs for something more than the other can give? Or is such a “situation” healthy so long as you have two agreeing parties? As a man, I agree it’s much easier for us to engage in a casual romp than women since it seems we don’t even need to attach any emotions to the act in order to enjoy it. That being said, shouldn’t we both, men and women be asking ourselves instead–Do I really want to be known as someone’s F-buddy? Is this really rewarding for me or am I merely an unpaid participant in someone’s real life porno fantasy? Finally, what do we say to that nagging question which never seems to go away—Who else is he/she doing this with?
I found myself Sex Zoned only once in my life. (Friend Zoned–yes multiple times:) It started about six years after my divorce and after a string of terrible dates, I finally met her. She seemed to have more potential than the others–she was from a good family, well educated, had her own business, sexy, and also had a great personality. Needless to say, we had instant chemistry and I was very excited to get to know her better. Our romance started off great; we even started saying the “L” word to each other and I started thinking more and more long term with her. However, as time wore on our relationship began to sour as I started to notice she never really got rid of all those extra “guy friends” she “used” to hang with—I started seeing their missed calls or returned texts on her phone–we started going out on fewer and fewer real dates–there was no real mention of me at all on any of her social media sites nor had she ever even bothered to change her relationship status the whole time we had been together. (ouch) Coupled with the fact that she never even bothered to meet any of my family/friends—never bothered to get to know my children—never bothered not to flirt with other men in front of me… until all this bothered me so bad, we broke up. Then we kind of thought better of it and began what could only be described as a bi-weekly “make up sex” session that lasted for a year. We never officially got back together and it seemed to be a gray area as to whether we were actually still in a relationship or not. I didn’t even have to call her on the phone or even take her out on a proper date anymore. (I know, when did I become such a….Genius!!!)
That male bravado was how I looked at this arrangement in the beginning as I high-fived myself through the first few months of our get togethers. I must confess, I really enjoyed this casual hookup as it was effortless and fun. Both of us had gone through a divorce (I had my kids part time so it was easy for her to just come over on nights they weren’t with me) so I kind of thought maybe this is how my post divorce life might go from here on out. ( I was 46, she was 48) Maybe I could even have this type “arrangement” with a couple of other different women! Maybe all I needed now was a pair of silk pajamas and a pipe, cause when on earth did I become such a stud? Needless to say, this kind of thinking didn’t last too long as I found myself increasingly hoping for more out of a relationship than just this. I found myself still as lonely as ever since by now we were only “seeing” each other about once a month–if that. I started missing having a real stimulating conversation and still wished to go out and do stuff with someone or at the very least, I wanted to land someone who’d actually be excited enough to want to be seen with me in public!…In short, I was still hoping for Mrs. Right to come into my life as I knew by now this woman I was seeing was not her. But was I searching for Mrs. Right? No, and therein lies the problem with this type of relationship zone. I had not been out on a date with another woman since I began seeing her. How often was I missing out on chances to meet someone else who’d want to be with me as a real girlfriend? And what kind of example was I setting for my two teenage children, anyways?(not that they knew, but still) Would I want them to be in this type of relationship or would I hope for them to find someone who would truly make them happy in every way? I always told them that they deserved the best–but what did I show myself I deserved? Hooking up once a month and then being alone in between? Why was I settling for this? Not to mention, I had my suspicions she was still meeting up with her other Johns “guy friends” on the side during this time too. (even though she always denied it) To make matters worse, it was always implied that I was forbidden to see other woman since she felt this was somehow immoral to her and she let me know that she would definitely end our “arrangement” if she found out I was. So was this relationship healthy? I really don’t think so. Looking back I was acting no different than some clingy person who knew they were dating the wrong one, yet refusing to leave because of the feeling that there was no one else out there better. That’s what’s so wrong with finding yourself inside this zone, whether it be the Sex Zone or Friendship Zone—You stop looking for someone better. Trust me when I say it all sounds great on paper, but the reality of it inevitably leads to ill feelings and lost time. In short, all this does is delay you finding the right person who will not only want to fulfill you sexually, but mentally and spiritually as well. In the end this is nothing more than settling and why settle for one thing done right, when you can have everything done right by one right person?
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