By Lucas Webb
Someone once gave me the best advice I’ve ever received on finding the right person to marry. He said, “Live your life running towards your goals and dreams, then look around and see whose running along beside you, that’s the person you need to marry.”
If only I had listened to him I might have had a lasting, fulfilling; wonderful marriage. Instead I didn’t—I married someone completely wrong for me and if you’re reading this post then chances are you did the same thing I did. Only here’s the question, knowing what you know now, especially after the horror of going through what you’ve just went through; why on earth would you ever date the same type of person you just divorced?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yet so often this is exactly what we keep doing with our relationships. We keep choosing the same attributes in someone which are so completely wrong for us yet all the while, having this absurd notion that this time is going to be different. Then several months, years, or even decades go by and we find ourselves reading posts like this, with a half empty bag of chips beside us wondering what the heck just happened to our life. No, it’s time to break this cycle from your life forever and stop dating all the wrongs and starting dating some rights. Here are 5 ways to help you:
1. First, Look In The Mirror. Only you have the power to change this. Ask yourself the following questions: What is it about me that thinks I deserve someone who is all wrong for me? Do I really want to be happy or am I addicted to the constant drama, fights, or turmoil that comes from being in troubled relationships? Do I secretly crave a little challenge when it comes to those I’m attracted to? What makes me so afraid to date someone who is actually good for me? Once you’ve had a honest dialog with yourself about the reasons why, now say to yourself, enough is enough! I deserve to be happy. Life is too short to waste any more time or my emotional currency on people who aren’t even supposed to be in my life to begin with. Once you’ve reached this level of determination to change, now you can start to clear the path for the right type of person to enter in to your life.
2. Stop trying to Fix People. There is a natural human appeal to try to “Fix” or worse “Save” people. For men it’s the “Damsel In Distress” syndrome; for women it’s the “Tame The Bad-boy” mindset. Unfortunately, I’ve been guilty of this mindset as well. My first wife and I grew up on different sides of the tracks so to speak. I came from a well-to-do family with parents who were married for 50 years; she came from a broken home with a single mother who did her best just to keep a roof over her head. I became deeply attracted to the thought of being the one to “rescue/save” her from her “place” in life and bring her “up” to mine. But you see my mindset was so flawed with this romantic type of thinking because she needed to be who she needed to be, not who I wanted her to be. Our troubles started instantly and neither of us ever felt comfortable in each others world. Marriage is hard enough when two people are headed in the same direction; it’s dang near impossible if each are headed in the opposite directions from the start. So stop trying to change people when there’s plenty of people out there who are already what you’re looking for.
3. Know yourself. How are you ever going to know what you need in life if you don’t even know who you are to begin with? It might even be time to call a timeout from the dating scene for a while until you discover what direction you’re life’s journey is heading. Think of it this way, how in the world could you possibly be a great friend, partner, or spouse to someone else when you’re a stranger to yourself? If you don’t know what you want from life, then neither will your partner and you’ll place your entire future in their hands. This is never a recipe for your own happiness or self worth. So how do we begin this journey of self discovery–by spending some quality alone time. This is the time in your divorce recovery where you need to do the things you like to do. Stop being so scared to be alone. Use this time to be moving towards your own passions and goals. Think of it like you’re driving yourself constantly to where you want to go; dating should be as simple as letting someone else come along for the ride. If it gets more complicated than this– stop and let that person off! Never let anyone ever take over the wheel of your life and steer you off in a completely different direction than where you were meant to be headed.(I don’t care how good looking they are!) This will only be at the expense of your emotional pain; not theirs.
4. Make a List. This is not a list of –I want someone tall, dark and handsome, or she must be a blonde, beautiful, and curvy. No, dating a “type” is always a recipe for repeating the same mistakes you’ve already made. Instead, I’m referring to a deal breaker list. This is a list of traits, philosophies, or habits that you know for certain that you can’t or won’t live with. Examples could be: My date cannot be a smoker. My date cannot drink heavily, do any type of drugs, is or isn’t too religious, hot tempered, rude, or a known cheater….you get the point. Write down your deal breaker list right now, look at it often and know it. Once a deal breaker trait is discovered in your date—end it, period! Be strict with this list, never give anyone a “chance to change.” People don’t change for other people and when someone shows you who they really are; believe them.
5. Now Make Your Long Term list. Write down the attributes you most admire in someone. For instance, I need someone who is kind to others, who is sympathetic, loving towards children, or has a great sense of humor. You may admire someone who has a passion about this cause or that; or like a person’s drive towards want they want to achieve in life. Once you have this list of long term attributes you most admire, now go out and seek the type of person who has them. See how opposite this list is from the deal breaker list? With this list, if your date does not have the long term attributes you’re seeking, then you simply don’t accept a date or get involved with this person. When you change your mindset in this way, now you’ve open yourself up to find that person who’ll be running along beside you in life, instead of running away from you.
I have one more simple question to ask you before you go; would you rather live the rest of your life with someone you admire and deeply respect; or someone you can’t stand. Yeah, I answered the same way you did. So why again are you still dating the same type of person you just divorced?:)
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